Ok! Soooo… I haven’t done a blog post in a few months but I would like to start doing more again so i wanted to start again with a personal one and something I wanted to speak about for a while.
You may look on my instagram and think “wow her life is perfect, – nice home, sweet baby, a loving partner who adores her” But it hasn’t always been that way, I had to be strong when I didn’t even know how to be, I had to love something inside my body when I didn’t even love myself.
From the moment, the nurse told me I was pregnant, it was all a blur. I had no idea what to do or what to say to anyone. Luckily my best friend Matthew was with me, So I wasn’t alone even from the start (friends and family wise) When i told my mum, she said to me ” So youre keeping it” and thats when i realised, it never even crossed my mind for any of the other options. When you imagine your first pregnancy, you imagine it to be with the love of your life, married & in a beautiful home together, excelling in your chosen career path. That wasn’t the case for me, I was living at home, with no job after graduating & at that time – single. I’ve been raised extremely well, So I’m not even going to lie. I felt for this reason ashamed in myself and dreaded telling all my family. Everyone in my family with kids were older than me, with long term partners and had bought their own house. I thought I was going to be the embarrassment. Some of my family weren’t immediately supportive , it took them a few weeks to accept, it. And I don’t blame them at all, again they wanted me to be in a position i also wanted. Also society tells you that this is the way to do life. So going against that makes people feel “uncomfortable”
But these things happen, Life isn’t always planned. And what actually is a ” single parent” and why is there so much stigma attached to it. I was never on my own, I had heaps of support from my family & friends. Why should the mother be made to feel a certain way because of something a man has done. Should a woman really be judged and critiqued for stepping up on her own, keeping a baby & becoming mum and dad to an innocent being…. That woman could have easily taken another route but she loves her unborn baby and wants to be the best she can for them & being strong and stepping up. Trust me it isn’t easy. There would be times where id scroll on instagram or lay in bed thinking at night – feeling guilt. Feeling guilty at that moment in time, I couldn’t give my baby a loving father. Id see happy couples on instagram with their pregnancy and baby and be so jealous and wish it was me. Theres been highs & lows. However… it does mean every decision is yours….. every thing they wear, even their name!!!!! And I’m a control freak so this was just ideal for me. No arguing over names!
I’m not ready to go too much into it, but Jak hasn’t always been there for me. I did my entire pregnancy on my own. Every scan, my gender reveal etc Being sat in the scan waiting room with my mums, Im going to be completely honest, i did feel embarrassed. I felt people were looking at me like, aw she got knocked up and now she’s on her own. It was a beautiful day so why was i made to feel like this?! Because of single parent stigma!!!!! I can’t thank my mum enough for how she stepped up for me. My entire pregnancy she was there every step of the way, she used to spoil the bump like a partner should have. My unborn baby was already so so loved. I can honestly hand on heart say, I have as much love to give Nate as 2 parents would. She was there during my c section holding my hand and then looked after me after my c section. She used to take over when i got overwhelmed. If i couldn’t get him to settle when he used to wake up at 4am, id go up to her room and she’d come down and settle him whilst i went back to sleep so i could function again. Being a single parent means you’ve got to do every single feed, nappy and be there for every time he cries. Its a lot. So i would really recommend if you are a single mum then living at home if you can, even if its for the first few months. Newborn bubble is so so hard, and you need a bit of relief. Even if its 2 hours off in the evening, just so you can sit and do nothing or catch up on sleep. My mum stepped up for us in so many ways and I will always be grateful. Support of your family and friends is everything. I was never ‘single’ i had so many people. My family never really asked about my situation too, all my aunties, cousins etc accepted it & loved Nate no matter what. I don’t even know why i had a fear of telling them or being judged etc. They’ve all been so so supportive and treated me no different. Its been lovely. At my gender reveal, i did a gender balloon… popped it by myself, but no one made me feel like that wasn’t normal etc, no questions asked.
Being a single parent is a financial strain too – I had to buy everything myself. Having a baby is expensive. His silver cross was £1000, nursery furniture £550, not to mention clothes and things like baby carriers etc. I didn’t receive a penny from a partner during this time!! Luckily my dad helped me and bought his pram & i found buying it all gradually really helped!!! Also at my mums, I have a bedroom upstairs… But my mums done up a brand new nursery for me downstairs – so nate wouldn’t wake anyone and for us to have our own space away from everyone, It used to be the second lounge & its a huge room with high ceilings which I love. She painted & put all new carpet in it for me. She also put a bed in there for me, even though all my stuff was still in my room upstairs. This was meant to be for first 6 months and then I would go back into my old room & my brothers old room would become Nates room but then I decided it was time for me to move out so i did when Nate was 5 months old. This view is completely my own and i in no way judge people who did live at home with a baby – I know people choose to stay at home for the support which is amazing and some are saving to buy a house etc. But I felt it was time for me to move out. I didn’t want my mum to have to discipline Nate and i wanted her and him to have a nanny grandbabby relationship. I knew if I stayed there, then Nate may start to see her as a parent figure. I just didn’t want this to happen and We were out of newborn bubble and Nate was so much easier. He was sleeping through and i just felt ready for our own space.
I believe people stay in unhappy relationships for their kids which i can understand and respect but sometimes because of this fear of being a single parent. Being judged, not being able to cope & not finding a new partner. It really is okay, it can be struggle especially in newborn bubble but I believe the mother deserves to be happy too. Being a single parent isn’t always a permanent thing, amazing men do come along and accept you and your children & sometimes take them on as their own. Me & Jak are now really really happy and in love and he does do so much for us. I now think, what would i do without him?! But i know deep down, i once was doing it without him so I know i have that strength to do so. It made me step up in so many ways and I found a strength I didn’t even know i was capable of. Independent woman !!!!!! I choose to be with Jak. And I’m happy i can say that with full confidence. I know i can do it alone but its now nice I can share it all with someone.
I know my next pregnancy will be completely different and in some ways I’m worried. Im so used to doing it on my own, i think I’m going to find it hard having to share it with someone. Nate was always just MINE. But I’m so excited for someone to be excited about it, sharing the scans together and i can’t wait for Jak to experience it all this time. However, i have set names for next babies so he’s gonna have to accept that LOL!
Nate saved my life in so many ways, and I can’t wait to tell him one day. I love him more than you can ever imagine, he made me a mother and a much better person. My heart had been broken so many times and I had no idea that my son would be the person to fix it. ……..and then steal it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can’t wait for the future, If anyone would like to drop me a dm, if you’re going through similar or you went through similar or even just fancy a chat and telling me what you thought of this post then please do!!!! This post has been long awaited but I’m so glad i finally wrote it and opened myself up and sharing this personal side of me.
Lots of love,
Daisy – Jane x