So this is going to be a super personal one, I’m a super open person and writing this down and sharing my experience helps me and I hope it helps others who are dealing with a break up too. It’s ok to cry.
If you follow me on Instagram you have probably noticed my turbulent relationship.
This is something I can now talk about properly as I feel like I’ve come out the other side.
Break ups are never easy, and this was my first proper one. There was a child involved also. My ex was my first serious relationship and I fell completely in love. We became a family unit and my son really fell in love with him too. He was nate’s dad. This was someone I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. If you read my last blog post, I ignored the red flags and focused on the good. I really convinced myself I was happy and I had found it. It wasn’t until August when a friend of mine was talking about her honeymoon and about how in love they were and how amazing it was. All I could think was ‘hm if that was me and him, we’d just argue 🤷🏻♀️’ that’s when it started to sink in that maybe he wasn’t the one. I wasn’t sure if this was what finding the one was meant to feel like.
My life started to crumble since August. This is when he cheated on me. I didn’t cope at all, I spent a week not eating and just drinking gin. It absolutely destroyed me. I can take responsbility in the break down on the relationship also though. I was not over the cheating at all but I was put under pressure and forced to move on and live with it for Nate’s sake. I didn’t heal from it. Therefore everytime we had an argument about something silly, I’d bring it up then the argument got worse & worse. It quickly became an abusive and very unhealthy relationship. Looking back, I should have walked away after the cheating.
Slowly my life completely was breaking down in every aspect. I lost friends due to them not being able to watch me with my ex knowing how he was treating me and doing to me. He wasn’t allowed in my family home so I didn’t see my family much. I was isolated. It started affecting My work and my job that I loved because I wasn’t myself and I was getting calls all the time. He even came to my work one time to argue and I had to ask the boss if I could leave early so there wasn’t drama at my workplace. Also, social services were starting to get involved due to all the domestic violence police reports against him. It got to the point where they said one more police report and they’ll seek legal advice to remove nate from me. I hit an all time low. Nate had a social worker. After he moved out, I also found out I was pregnant. The baby we were trying for since march but it couldn’t be worse timing. My mental health took a really dark turn. One day, I dropped nate to nursery, called in sick to work and was planning to do something very serious. Nate got me through it and one of my friends convinced me to call for help. I was under the mental health crisis team and still am. My neighbours also really turned against me. They did have to put up with all the shouting, screaming, me screaming for help, my ex kicking the door in, shouting outside and police round in middle of the night several times. My tenancy was at risk. They also put in an anonymous report to social services saying nate cried more when my ex was here, this was completely untrue but I think they had enough of the shouting.
I moved back in with my mum due to not wanting to be in the house anymore that we decorated together and had all these memories in. I was at rock bottom, the darkest time of my entire life. I realised I was just too unwell to work, I was signed off work but decided to leave. I didn’t want to be a burden to them as I care about that company and the people so much. I was just so sad for nate. It wasn’t just a break up for me, it was a break up for him too. He broke up from his dad who hasn’t even asked how he is the last 2 months. Not one message to see if he’s ok, this is the most hurtful thing.
I decided I needed to get away from it all and booked last minute to go to Egypt with my best friend Lauren. She is very very wise and she truly has my best interests at heart. She listened to me whine and was a shoulder to cry on and we did have the best week with the kids! I came back with a clearer head.
I met someone about a month after the break up, he really has helped me in so many ways. I was coming back to mine when he stayed over. He was starting to make it feel like a home again, he was motivating me to sort it out again. He helped me with tasks e.g. Putting the Christmas tree in the loft, getting rid of the turtle and tank etc. I came home once and he was cleaning mould from the sink…. I know that’s so so disgusting but where my ex left abruptly and unplanned, I left too and dishes were left and I never came back. I only came back on my work lunch to feed the turtle. It just didn’t feel like my home. I have actually only officially moved back in properly this week. It’s all sorted, deep cleaned & im slowly changing all the deco. It really does feel like mine and nate’s home now.
I don’t think I dealt with it the best, honestly I completely lost my mind for 2 months. I was very hormonal and was crazy. I didn’t know how to deal with this break up, one minute you’re a family the next you’re on your own. This was someone I really loved and thought he was my future. We planed the future, trying for a baby and got my ring finger measured. Starting over is difficult and I couldn’t adjust for a while. I wanted to get back with someone I knew was toxic and it was wrong but I was so scared of my future being different to how we planned. I had to grieve the future we planned together. It takes time. I’ve felt such guilt for not dealing with it emotionally better but it just completely broke me and that’s me being raw and honest.
I do truly feel like I’ve moved on now. I had 2 months of hell, I was crying all the time and hit rock bottom. Slowly, I have been rebuilding my life. Moved back in, met someone who I really like, my mental health is stable, my neighbours are pacified and in a few months will look into getting a job in buying and focus on my career. Social services have taken a step back due to my ex not being in the picture at all, this is the only reason they were involved.
This is the last time im ever going to talk about my break up and last relationship. I feel like this is the final post where I’ve addressed it and I’m moving on and onto more positive! Closure!!!!! Also I lost 19lbs the last 2 months – silver lining ey! Revenge bod! Which means I’ve lost 2 stone 7lbs since September!
My advice is – if you’re going through hell – keep going. Time is a healer and it does get better eventually. I lost everything but I do believe it happens for a reason and I feel stronger for it.